Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hate: Fine Print


Hey, look who's back!  It's Mr. Bloggenheimer himself!  I actually had someone ask me where I've been for so long (since my last post on 10/31) and I felt all guilty that my legions of fans were up all night waiting for my next post.  It's not that I haven't hated, dug, or didn't get anything in the last six months, I just didn't take the time to share it with you.  My apologies.

So of course I must resume my silliness with something I hate - fine print.  This may seem a bit obvious but my particular distaste for fine print is not that it is required in our litigious society but the way that it is done.  I understand that old ladies will spill the super-hot coffee in their laps at the McDonald's drive-thru and will be represented by scum-sucking lawyers hoping to go fishing in the deep pockets of Mickey-D's.  I got it.  It's 2009 and people want to get rich by buying lotto tickets/winning lawsuits.  Whatever - do what you gotta do, people.  In fact, I'm thinking of poking out my eyeball with a Sharpie because I noticed that that there was no label warning me not to do it and a decent lawyer could get me a nice little nest egg.  I would also be able to park in the handicapped parking spots - assuming I could keep my driver's license.

So my beef is less with the fact that we have to have fine print but does said print have to be so .... fine?  I mean, it's almost as if the people at the Sharpie company don't want me to know stuff!  Surely, that's not true!  Could it possibly be that in the Sharpie fine print, it says "Don't poke yourself in the eye, dumbass, because it'll hurt like hell and, despite getting a parking spot up close, it's just not worth it" and then, when I go and do it, they can say that they warned me and I can sue them all they want but I ain't gettin' a dime?  No one is going to take the time to read the fine print (except the lawyers) so those sneaky Sharpie bastards are just waiting to hose me when I take one for the team and poke out a pupil.  Bastards!

Ever see an ad for some medicine of some kind in a magazine?  Shitsky, talk about fine print overload!  There's more fine print than information about the burning sensation that the medicine is trying to fix!  I'm not quite sure what qualifies as actually needing to be included in the fine print so I think people just put everything in there just to cover themselves.  There's a good chance that I'm not going to use the remedy to my burning sensation to clean my fish tank but the lawyers know that I'll sue the pharmaceutical rep for $3.6million if my goldfish (retail price: 11 cents) starts spending a lot of time floating on his back at the top of the tank.  With all that fine print, my April edition of High Times magazine gets pretty hefty!

There's a new tactic that people are using on TV for the fine print.  The nice people at Big Company, Incorporated are now trying to incorporate the fine print into the conversations going on in the commercials, thusly:

Guy: Man, I have a bitch of a headache
Dude: I'll hook you up with some Headache-Be-Gone, if you'd like.
Guy: Sweet.  I'll take a couple and go drive a forklift.
Dude: My doctor recommends that you take Headache-Be-Gone with food and only when you have had a good night's rest.  Also, he suggests that you don't drive any heavy equipment within one hour of taking a Headache-Be-Gone tablet.  Occasionally, you might have heart palpitations and hair loss as a result of taking Headache-Be-Gone and your wife may suddenly find you unattractive.  You're not pregnant, are you?  Because, you shouldn't take Headache-Be-Gone when pregnant.  Lastly, Headache-Be-Gone tastes like shit.
Guy: Uh, thanks....  I'll just deal with the pain.

Who has these conversations?!  In an effort to eliminate the printed version of fine print, the dumb-ass advertising people have just caused me to change the channel and watch an old episode of The Golden Girls instead of possibly buying their fine product.  Kind of back-fired, if you ask me.

Another way to cram the fine print down my throat is to have some tool say the fine print super-fast at the end of the commercial.  I assume there is some legal requirement for what has to be included in the fine print and the consumer has to be able to read/hear it easily.  Well, I'm here to tell you that this consumer can't understand shit when Mr. Speedy-Talker rattles through the legalese at 100 mph.  A variation on this is to actually do this exercise at the BEGINNING of the commercial which kind of catches everyone off-guard.  Either way, my ears glaze over and the whole thing is just a waste of time and vocal chords - which is probably what the lawyers want in the first place.  Nice work, lawyers.  You suck.

Don't get me wrong, people, I'm a big fan of covering my ass, blank checks and loopholes - and that's pretty much what fine print is all about.  If I don't cover my ass and you find a loophole, you get a blank check from me if you take me to court.  God bless America!

And now I have a headache.

126 comments:

The Smoking Monkey from Stuckeys said...

Yes, yes . . . the usual rant about how the lawyers always get paid from this shit. This criticism always misses the mark.

Let me explain how a trial works, using the time-worn “Caution, contents may be hot” warning label on the McDonald’s coffee cup, as an example:

Thousands of guys and gals go through the McDonald’s drive-thru every morning and, no surprise, when this activity is repeated day-in and day-out for years, some schmuck out of the thousands finally drops it on his lap and loses a few layers of skin. Well, no shit . . . near boiling water has a tendency to do that when applied to the skin.

So anyway, this dude or gal who now has less epidermis then before is understandably pissed about the situation, and so wants to take a few cents out of Ronald’s pocket. After all, when you sell “billions and billions” of burgers, you’re bound to have a little extra coin to share with the poor skinless masses.

So why does this schmuck think he is entitled to coin for his own stupid-ass move in dumping boiling water in his lap? It’s because the last schmuck who filed the same type of lawsuit was successful in doing so. Clearly some lawyer’s fault that this occurred, right? Wrong.

You see, the way a trial works is this: the lawyer makes the best argument he can that this skin-removal incident was Ronald’s fault. After all, how was the lawyer’s stupid-ass client supposed to know that a cup of boiling-hot water might have hot contents? (Note the dripping sarcasm). The problem is not, however, that the lawyer makes this type of dumb-ass argument. The problem is that twelve idiots sitting in the jury box actually buy this shit. They collectively say to themselves, “That lawyer’s right, how was that dumb-ass plaintiff supposed to know that a cup of boiling water might have hot contents. Damn right he’s entitled to $3 million. Pay up Ronald.”

The point here is that lawyers don’t award money damages in these lawsuits. Juries do. That’s right, your so-called “peers” do it. In other words, walk around your office and understand that there’s at least twelve of them sitting out there, dumb enough to award $3 million to some idiot who couldn’t connect the dots between the concept of “coffee” and “hot contents,” unless there was a label, written in no more than 4th grade language, explaining it to him.

Apply this same story to the labels about “warning – scissor points are sharp,” “warning, toes may depart from foot if placed in lawnmower blade, “warning, saws-all not to be used as sex toy,” etc. (the last one has actually happened - - dildo mounted on a saws-all).

The reason these labels exist is because 12 of your dumb-ass, non-lawyer peers got together in a jury box and decided that the lady who had her vagina almost sawed in half was entitled to $3 million because the label on the saws-all did not say “warning, not to be used as sex toy.”

The lesson: if you want the fine print to go away, tell your friend in the next cubicle (or 12 cubicles down, if you work in the U.S. auto industry, since he’s the only one left) to stop being such a dumb shit by awarding damages to the recreational saws-all users of the world. Better yet, look in the mirror and say the same.

Lawyer hater: "heal tyself first."

John said...

dear monkey-boy: apparently, i have struck a nerve! you should write your own blog - perhaps one about the marriage between power tools and sex toys?

Lildonbro said...

Ha-ha! My friends and I sometimes break out into that kind of conversation just to mock those commercials. We'll do it with anything from medicine to what they are eating for dinner. It's always a good conversation when you add in possible side effects.

The Smoking Monkey from Stuckeys said...

The only reason I visit your blog is to see what Bitch-Cakes might have said, and now she's apparently ignoring you. You must not be as hot as you used to be.

andrea.roche said...

Seen several comments from you on our family blog. Just curious if we have any connections (you are the only male who has ever commented on my blog haha)?

Have a good day!

John said...

andrea - nope, not related, although i do like a good steak and my wife and daughter each have horses of their own.

more than occasionally, i waste company time by checking out new blogs and found yours a while ago. i enjoy reading about a big-city kid living in a not-so-big city in idaho. see also this post about my blog curiosity: http://hatedigdontget.blogspot.com/2008/09/dig-nooks-and-crannies-of-internet.html

i'm not a psycho or anything so you don't need to add another lock to the front door.

anyway, hope you find something to buck you up!

The Smoking Monkey from Stuckeys said...

This blog sucks . . . 'cause it's never updated for months on end. Maybe the author is addicted to this gay thing called Facebook.

John said...

stuckey-monkey: for someone who doesn't like my blog, you sure visit a lot! unfortunately, you are correct in that i have become a Facebook Fag. my short attention span is better suited to FB than writing blog posts - even though my posts are instant classics! however, i refuse to get involved with the whole twitter thing.

not sure if/when this thing will ever get updatd again so i suggest you visit bitchcakes instead. she's a better dresser than i am anyway.

also unfortunately, i freaked out andrea up above and she made her blog private so i can't direct you there.

no go sue someone and make yourself useful.

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