Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Don't Get: Releasing a Statement

With all of the silliness going on in the world today, lots of people/governments/companies "release statements". Roger Clemens says he didn't do steroids so he releases a statement about it. Britney (I'm not going to include her last name - you know which trailer park drunken-ass slut I'm talking about) releases a statement about her kids or her booze or her crotch or something. The US navy released a statement saying that some Iranian warboats (Iran has warboats?!) acted in an "aggressive manner" so the US fired on them. People are releasing statements all over the joint and I'm just not sure why. Or how. Who do you call to release a statement? Is there a hotline? What if I have something important to say and I don't have one of those red hotline phones - how will the world hear my statement? My boss's boss's boss would say "let's unpack this" to understand it a little better. I hate that saying.

First of all, who is worthy of releasing a statement? Or, as Elaine Bennis would say, who is "statement-worthy?" Certainly, if you are a bigwig in whatever category you want to place yourself, you get to release a statement. Presidents, Popes, CEO's etc. Those are kind of the obvious ones that everyone would agree on. But how about the CEO of the company that makes the thread in the elastic of your underwear? Good elastic in my tighty-whiteys is pretty damn important to me but for those of you who prefer to go unencumbered by underwear, you probably are a little less concerned about it. Keeping your house in order down there isn't a big deal for you, apparently. But, for me, if Mr. Underwear-Elastic-Thread has something important to say, I'm all ears. For you commandos out there, not so much.

Celebrities are releasing statements all the friggin' time. By my use of the word "friggin'" in the previous sentence, you should take that to mean that I could give a rat's hairy ass about what most celebrities have to say. This applies to dumb-ass athletes as well as dumb-ass entertainers. Do I care whether or not Roger Clemens was on the juice? Only if it somehow helps me get chicks or make a mortgage payment or something. Do I care if Jennifer Love Hewitt's big caboose is a size 2 or not? Only if it means that she'll get naked to prove it. About the only time that I would like to hear what a celebrity has to say is to hear some dirt about another celebrity. Kind of like Kanye West saying that George Bush hates black people. That was classic! Especially the look on Mike Myers' face when he said it!

Just like the lesser-known CEO's out there, there are way too many people who are classified as celebrities. Just because you appeared on a TV show or a movie, doesn't mean that anyone cares about what you have to say. All of the Brady kids are entitled to release statements, but not Cousin Oliver! And neither do Chris and Tracy Partridge. Reuben Kincaid totally gets to, though.

So now that we are all clear on the "who", let's talk about the "what". Below are some topics and whether they are statement-worthy:

Cure for cancer? Gotta go with yes on that one.

Cure for being fat? If you don't know that Big Macs make you fat, you have bigger issues.

Big blizzard coming? Yep. Gotta know if I'm going to end up in the ditch or not.

Antarctic ice melting due to global warming? I have one word for you: "No shit, Sherlock!"

Lindsay Lohan back in rehab? See above.

Oil prices hit $100 per barrel? No. Don't piss me off any more than I already am.

Jen Love Hewitt is a size 2? No, unless the follow-up statement is "JLH gets naked"

See how easy this is, people? If it doesn't affect me, I don't need to know. Sure, I'm not too keen on the polar ice caps flooding my basement but am I supposed to send the ice from my handy-dandy icemaker in my fridge to the South Pole to help with the whole melting thing? I can do that but you might need to help a brother out with the postage.

Lastly (whenever someone says that, I'm always so frickin' thankful that they're finally shutting their pieholes!!), exactly HOW does one release a statement. To whom do I release my oh-so-important message? Do I write a letter to the editor? Do I contact my congressman? All the folks who do this on a regular basis have "people" to do it for them, but somehow this crap has to get into Us Weekly, right? Do the dumb-asses at Us Weekly call up Lindsay and ask her if anything new is going on? How come no one calls me? I got shit going on in my life all the time. In fact, just the other day, I bought some peanut butter! Based on the inane press releases that I see on a regular basis, surely someone wants to know about the massive PB shortage at my casa.

Boys and girls, with all the options for news sources these days we have just way too many people who think they have something important to say. The problem is that it's mostly dumb-asses saying it and we all know that a dumb-ass just ain't going to say anything worth listening to. To fix the situation and to rid our world of dumb-assedness, I suggest you release a statement saying that you wish all the dumb-asses who are releasing statement would just clam up. And then when you figure out how to do it, let me know because I've got a lot to get off my chest!