Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Hate: The Number of Words on the Shampoo Bottle


I debated about posting this in the Don't Get section because having a whole bunch of words on the shampoo bottle just doesn't make sense to me. However, my confusion over the whole issue soon turned to hatred and I'm pleased with my decision to share with you my hatred (not confusion) for the number of words on the shampoo bottle. You could say I Dig my Hate, which could quite possibly put this whole post in the Dig category. Or, you could just agree with me that the whole thing matters about as much as anything related to Jamie Spears' underage pregnancy.




In case there was any doubt that this slacker is a morning person in any way, shape or form, let me kill that rumor right now. I hate getting my lazy arse out of bed in the morning. If I was told that tomorrow at 7:15, Pam Anderson would be backing up a Brink's truck full of money to my front door, I would set my alarm for 7:06 so that I could hit the snooze alarm once before Pam knocked on my door. Upon receipt of said cash and perhaps a quickie (and I do mean quick!)with Pam, I would go right back to bed and enjoy my new found wealth at a more civilized hour like 10:30.




And yet the shampoo people expect me to read their stupid bottles in the shower. Inconceivable (that's a Princess Bride reference for all you Andre The Giant fans out there)! I'm lucky to make it into the bathroom every morning without shedding any blood from my kneecaps or shins and you think I care if my shampoo is gentle enough for me? Gentle, schmentle! Dude, I've used the bar that sits in the nasty soap tray thing far too often to worry about if the shampoo is for dry hair or oily hair. How about one that's just for hair? Keep It Simple, Stupid!




Usually, the label on the front of the shampoo bottle uses a whole bunch of words like rejuvenate, gentle, fresh and clean. Apparently, all shampoos perform these tasks on your hair whether you have oily hair, dry hair, permed hair, colored hair or generally fucked-up hair. I'm convinced that the only thing that makes one shampoo different than other is the shape of the bottle. It's all in the presentation, you know, and a gallon jug just don't look as nice as a lavender-colored bottle with a nifty little flip-top thing on it that is impossible to open with wet hands. I guess the color of the stuff helps to differentiate one shampoo from another although there aren't really that money colors either. You have a few shades of blue and green and white but not many blood-red shampoos out there. There's a look for you!




OK, back to the number of words. Lots of shampoos have a conditioner that go with them. They're a system. God forbid you wash your hair and not use the associated conditioner with it! What are you, a heathen?! And so the conditioner bottle and the shampoo bottle are designed with the same colors and shape and top and crap until the only difference is that one says shampoo and the other says conditioner. Again, unless Pam hops in the shower to read the labels for me (pause here to wrap your brain around that for a minute) after she delivers my money, it's a real pain to sort through all the nifty adjectives (fresh, clean, etc) to get to the one word that is really what I'm looking for.


So that's the front of the bottle. Lots of words and the one I'm looking for (I'll give you a hint - it ends in "poo") is buried under a bunch of stupid-ness.


The stupidity continues on the back of the bottle. Do I really care what the ingredients are? Aren't the ingredients really just "shampoo"? I know there is other crap in there but quit wasting my time and your ink with telling me all about it. I don't care. Lastly, we must discuss the directions on a bottle of shampoo. Yes, I'm sorry, we must. Many a lame stand-up comedian (or blogger) has built an act (or blog) around those goofy directions to Lather, Rinse, Repeat. However, you would be hard-pressed to find such beautiful simplicity on a bottle of shampoo today. You would long for such simplicity while lathering up your 'do. No longer do you Lather/Rinse/Repeat. Now, you Apply shampoo to wet hair, Massage into the scalp, and Repeat if desired. Who repeats? Whose hair is so frickin' dirty that they must repeat? If you need a shower so bad that you must repeat, you should probably be out shopping for a hat instead of fouling someone's shower stall!




Remember when there was a big push on to have generic products in the store? The packaging was black and white and the beer said "Beer" on it and the ketchup said "Ketchup" and the Dorito-like nacho cheese-flavored chips said "Nasty Tasting Pseudo-Doritos"? That's kind of the direction I'm going here, boys and girls, plunk down a black and white bottle that says "shampoo" and I'm a whole lot less inclined to screw it up and I'll have that much less bitterness in my life. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit patiently by my front door for Pam to show up.

58 comments:

The Smoking Monkey from Stuckeys said...

This one is a reach . . . don't quit your corporate suck-ass job just yet.

Zen Wizard said...

I think they should put the first paragraph of a famous novel on the front label of the shampoo, and then you guess it, and then you flip it over to see if you were right.

For example:

Front:

"Prell Shampoo:

It was a feature peculiar to the colonial wars of North America, that the toils and dangers of the wilderness were to be encountered before the adverse hosts could meet. A wide and apparently an impervious boundary of forests severed the possessions of the hostile provinces of France and England. The hardy colonist, and the trained European who fought at his side, frequently expended months in struggling against the rapids of the streams, or in effecting the rugged passes of the mountains, in quest of an opportunity to exhibit their courage in a more martial conflict. But, emulating the patience and self-denial of the practiced native warriors, they learned to overcome every difficulty; and it would seem that, in time, there was no recess of the woods so dark, nor any secret place so lovely, that it might claim exemption from the inroads of those who had pledged their blood to satiate their vengeance, or to uphold the cold and selfish policy of the distant monarchs of Europe."

Reverse:

The Last of the Mohicans.

This would make everyone take longer and more intellectually stimulating showers; and they would go to their job feeling literate and refreshed.

John said...

Zen, that's a serious amount of words, my brother! I do appreciate the idea of reversing the dumbing down of America, though. Could we compromise and maybe use movie lines instead?

Front: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like... victory."

Back: Apocalypse Now.

... and doesn't Apocalypse Now just set the right tone for the day anyway?

KFJ said...

I like the idea of generic shampoo and conditioner!!!

The Smoking Monkey from Stuckeys said...

BTW, the picture you chose for this post really creeps me out. Something kinda' gross about it. Can't you find a picture of one of the hot, 1/2-naked chicks from the shampoo commericals on TV . . . the ones that seem to be reaching climax from their erotic scalp massage?

The Mulletin Board said...

Let's not forget that all the millions of words have to be spelled out in 5 languages.

MizFit said...

DAMN YOU FUNNY.

That's it.

found you because your comment @ Casa Cranky made me laugh.

RichM said...

On the front of the generic conditioner bottle you could have ANTIDOTE with an explanation on the back that it fixes all the bad things that shampoos do to your hair.

It's war between those two, you know - basically it's like shampoo is Georgia, conditioner is Russia, and your scalp is Ossetia.

Anonymous said...

Do You interesting how to [b]Buy Viagra in Canada[/b]? You can find below...
[size=10]>>>[url=http://listita.info/go.php?sid=1][b]Buy Viagra in Canada[/b][/url]<<<[/size]

[URL=http://imgwebsearch.com/30269/link/buy%20viagra/1_valentine3.html][IMG]http://imgwebsearch.com/30269/img0/buy%20viagra/1_valentine3.png[/IMG][/URL]
[URL=http://imgwebsearch.com/30269/link/buy%20viagra/3_headsex1.html][IMG]http://imgwebsearch.com/30269/img0/buy%20viagra/3_headsex1.png[/IMG][/URL]
[b]Bonus Policy[/b]
Order 3 or more products and get free Regular Airmail shipping!
Free Regular Airmail shipping for orders starting with $200.00!

Free insurance (guaranteed reshipment if delivery failed) for orders starting with $300.00!
[b]Description[/b]

Generic Viagra (sildenafil citrate; brand names include: Aphrodil / Edegra / Erasmo / Penegra / Revatio / Supra / Zwagra) is an effective treatment for erectile dysfunction regardless of the cause or duration of the problem or the age of the patient.
Sildenafil Citrate is the active ingredient used to treat erectile dysfunction (impotence) in men. It can help men who have erectile dysfunction get and sustain an erection when they are sexually excited.
Generic Viagra is manufactured in accordance with World Health Organization standards and guidelines (WHO-GMP). Also you can find on our sites.
Generic Viagra is made with thorough reverse engineering for the sildenafil citrate molecule - a totally different process of making sildenafil and its reaction. That is why it takes effect in 15 minutes compared to other drugs which take 30-40 minutes to take effect.
[b][/b]
Even in the most sexually liberated and self-satisfied of nations, many people still yearn to burn more, to feel ready for bedding no matter what the clock says and to desire their partner of 23 years as much as they did when their love was brand new.
The market is saturated with books on how to revive a flagging libido or spice up monotonous sex, and sex therapists say “lack of desire” is one of the most common complaints they hear from patients, particularly women.

Anonymous said...

buy viagra next day delivery buy viagra online europe - generic viagra online pharmacy no prescription

Anonymous said...

order viagra viagra for women does it work - buy generic viagra 50mg online

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra online buy-viagra-online.net - viagra for women online

Anonymous said...

generic viagra order viagra by mail - buy viagra at boots

Anonymous said...

generic viagra buy viagra online london - purchase viagra online from us

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma strongest muscle relaxer - buy soma 350 mg online

Anonymous said...

buy soma online soma bras - soma drug test detection time

Anonymous said...

buy soma online is soma 350 mg a narcotic - buy soma online no rx

Anonymous said...

buy soma buy soma fedex overnight - soma san diego boys like girls

Anonymous said...

buy soma get soma online - does soma test drug test

Anonymous said...

buy soma buy soma online in texas - soma muscle relaxant dose

Anonymous said...

buy soma online buy soma online overnight delivery - buy cheap soma online no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy soma online cheap soma pills - soma 800 mg

Anonymous said...

cheap soma online soma medication description - soma pills look like

Anonymous said...

buy soma qualitest generic soma - buy soma online no rx

Anonymous said...

buy soma online what drug classification is soma - soma drug street price

Anonymous said...

cheap soma soma san diego wiki - order soma online overnight

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma vs baclofen muscle spasms - buy soma no script

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma networks - type medication soma

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma cube - soma medication information

Anonymous said...

soma drug soma 350 mg pills - soma muscle relaxer with alcohol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online cheap buy tramadol online overnight usa - tramadol addiction treatment program

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online lowest price cialis - cialis online venezuela

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl 75mg - buy tramadol online in australia

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol for dogs generic - buy tramadol in the usa

Anonymous said...

generic xanax buy xanax pills online - xanax 1mg insomnia

Anonymous said...

generic xanax xanax withdrawal jaw - s 90 3 xanax bars

Anonymous said...

xanax online xanax drug test hair - are yellow 2mg xanax time released

Anonymous said...

purchase xanax xanax pills do they do - is generic xanax as strong

Anonymous said...

generic xanax canadian xanax cheap - xanax pills what do they do

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online cheap xanax and vicodin high - xanax overdose pupils

Anonymous said...

xanax online hide xanax drug test - buy xanax alprazolam

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without rx 100mg tramadol withdrawal - buy cheap tramadol online cod

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol no prescription for tramadol - troy hill pharmacy online tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy carisoprodol carisoprodol hair drug test - buy carisoprodol online no prescription needed

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online safely buy cialis london - cialis 27 90

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online viagra cialis reviews - cialis online genuine

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online cialis once daily review - buy cialis online

Anonymous said...

xanax online xanax withdrawal recovery - order xanax online no prescription mastercard

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#38471 side effects tramadol hci 50mg - tramadol withdrawal tips

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#62431 tramadol 50 mg bula - order tramadol legally

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy tramadol 24x7 - tramadol 50 high

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without rx buy tramadol online 100mg - tramadol hcl 50 mg images

Anonymous said...

generic clonazepam klonopin side effects insomnia - klonopin anti anxiety

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online klonopin .5 mg side effects - klonopin e 64

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#57594 tramadol hcl 50 mg with alcohol - que es tramadol hcl

Anonymous said...

klonopin depression 2mg klonopin street value - klonopin names

Anonymous said...

carisoprodol 350 mg 350mg carisoprodol generic soma - soma generic carisoprodol

Anonymous said...

Υour articlе featureѕ confirmeԁ useful to me рeгsonally.

It’s ехtгemely useful аnd
you гeally are clеаrlу very knoωlеdgеable in this regіon.
You hаve got openеd uρ my personal ѕіght tο
various thοughts about thiѕ paгtіculаr subjеct matter along wіth іnteresting and reliаble
content.
My page - ativan