Friday, February 22, 2008

Don't Get: How Dog Show Winners are Determined


God bless cable TV! With a million channels to choose from, you can sure stumble onto some random, obscure stuff can't you? There are now a boatload of home makeover shows and two boatloads of cooking shows and reruns of every sitcom from Sanford and Son to Alice. And then mixed in there is the occasional dog show. I think the cable TV programming people figured if Redd Foxx (love the spelling of his name!) could still command an audience, so could a schnauzer being dragged around a ring by a lesbian dog handler in sensible shoes.

You've stopped for a minute or two on the riveting coverage of the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, right? They're big deals in the dog world. They take place in Madison Square Garden and stuff and if you're a dog dude/dudette, it's the pinnacle of showing Fido to the rest of the world. Of course, the dogs aren't named Fido, they're named Champion Lobuff Hollyridge Kisskadee (that's a real name from this year's show!). And these dogs ain't exactly out rolling in dead squirrels or even fetching a frisbee in your back yard with you. Instead, they're busy being groomed and coiffed and having more money spent on them than most people spend on their kids. You know darn well that everything in the lesbian dog handler's house is dog-related: wallpaper, doormat, throw pillows, coffee mug, toilet paper and generally all kinds of chachki.

So that's fine - you're psycho about dogs and you drag said dog to the dog show and parade him around. Whatever. But I don't know how anyone can tell if one dog is better than another. Who even knows the criteria? The announcers apparently know because they make comments like "Look at that Corgi's attitude - clearly this dog is made for __________ !" To me, it doesn't really matter what he dog is so clearly made for. I'd just kind of like to know if it's going to hump my leg and if it's going to be all yippy and stuff. Same goes for a Lab of any kind. Exactly what is the proper length for the ear to kind of flop over? Again, the announcers, judges and lesbian handlers must know because supposedly one Lab is better than another and is going to be awarded Best In Show. However, I'm going to make a bold statement here and suggest that perhaps the announcers SHARE WITH THE AUDIENCE exactly what makes one yippy little fuzzball different from the yippy little fuzzball next to it in the lineup!

Ever watch Texas Hold 'Em on TV? If you're not a gambler, it's about as much fun as watching grass grow but if you like playing poker, it's a good time. The thing about all the poker shows on TV is that even though there is some lingo and jargon that you have to learn, at least there are some nifty graphics and hidden cameras and stuff to let the viewer know who has the best hand. Because of all these cool features that the TV people have added to involve the audience, I can see that the Vietnamese guy with the pair of queens is probably going to beat the Vietnamese guy with the pair of nines. Now compare that to what the audience knows about the dog being pranced around the ring. The audience knows that it is a .... dog. If it's a male dog, the audience sees the dog's ENORMOUS nuts because I swear the camera guy makes sure to get one good nut shot of every male dog just to make me feel inadequate but beyond that, the announcer just lets us know that what we are looking at is a Shih Tzu and that last year he came in second place and is really trying to take Best In Show this year. Huh? Exactly what is the dog doing to make himself a better dog? Last year he was a dog and this year he is ...... still a dog. Maybe his nuts got bigger, I don't know.

And then the moment of truth! Of all the Sporting Dogs or Working Dogs or Toy Dogs, there is one Best Dog. And hell if I know how that dog is determined to be the best friggin' dog in the joint! The Best In Show (BIS) dog sure as hell better not let those stinky-ass dog farts that are so, so nasty! What the BIS dog should do is fetch my pipe and slippers and bark when a bad guy comes to steal my plasma TV. That's my definition of a BIS dog.

This year was a big upset because a lowly beagle won (BIS). You know all those lesbians in their sensible shoes were aghast at the idea of a dumb-ass beagle beating out their precious Lhasa Apso. Take that, lesbos! The only way a yippy little fuzzball like a Lhasa Apso is going to be BIS is if there is a "Works Well to Clean Hardwood Floors" category.

Come on over to my casa sometime and meet my dog. She's part chocolate lab and part something else. Her hair kind of stands up on the back of neck that makes people think she is mean but she's not. She loves to swim and chase a tennis ball and frisbee all day long and then shake all the water off herself onto you. She'll sit when I tell her to - most of the time. That's her in the post about my hatred for Tupperware. She's no BIS, but then again, I'm no lesbian.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

i watch texas hold em on tv ALL THE TIME. does that make me a bad person? or someone with a wannabe gambling addiction???

The Smoking Monkey from Stuckeys said...

Yes, the all mighty beagle finally gets his day. Non-lesbian snoopy lovers of the world can now rejoice.

Clearly, the only reason this did not ocurr earlier is becasue no beagle was ever entered in the Westminister show that could sing "Happy Birthday" on command.

AP said...

funny post. i'm still laughing at the look on the guy's face in the picture. :)

thanks for the comment on my site!

Anonymous said...

They don't even make those dogs fetch, bring slippers or not bark when a stranger comes to the door. In my mind, that's how you judge a dog.

Anonymous said...

I'm just trying to figure out why the WKC showed up on three different networks, two of them in HD.
troublesome...

Kirsten Schultz said...

Well, isn't it obvious? Cos somewhere there's some crazy guy who just loves watching the dog's nuts bounce around in HD - almost seems like you can see 'em for real!

Nice blog John, very nice.

JUST ME said...

I think people just bring their dogs to big arenas, everyone eats dogfood and kinda gets poisoned, and then chooses the winner while in a crazy dogfood-induced psychedelic state.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Good post, and your dog has my vote!

The Ex said...

Gawd, my ex's parents used to make a big deal about watching that WITH THEIR DOGS. Like, seriously?

Colette Amelia said...

curiously I dig your curiosity about what makes a good dog! or the other curiosities of life that just somehow don't make sense to me...and some like Paris Hilton, Survivor, Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant, OPRAH all seem to be over my head? It is so good to not be alone in the world!

Curly Glamour Girlie said...

As a new parents glued to a baby while feeding him with the remote across the room teasingly, I am stuck watching a myriad of "bad" tv. But I digress....what I don't get is the "Caution - Show Dogs" signs I see on vehicles. Why should I be more careful because there are over-primped pooches in there? Shouldn't I be cautious because there are PEOPLE in the car???

minijonb said...

Have you seen the movie "Best In Show" ??? Even if you hate dog shows (as you clearly and rightly do) you'll probably like the film. It's done by the people who made Spinal Tap. Enough said.

Cheers.

John said...

ex-tex: don't be a wannabe! you should really strive to be an addict!

brian: i know. seems like a waste of perfectly good HD.

kirbir: i have to look away when the dogs' nuts start swinging. i get nut envy.

just me: now THAT'S entertainment!

dr. k: thanks. i'll let her know.

the ex: that's reason enough to break up with him! you don't want to get sucked into that whole scene!!

colette: i'm not so sure you should feel good about being in my world. it's a little dicey sometimes...

curly: those damn kids will do that to you. my guess is those psycho dog people buckle their dogs in so i say go ahead and ram them.

jonb: maybe the best black lab out there is one that can be none more black!

MJ said...

Are you HAPPY now??

Anna said...

I like your dog, she's so cute! What's her name?

I don't know how dog show winners are determined either... it's a weird thing, as are any animal shows or beauty pageants. Actually, I think beauty pageants are more ridiculous than any dog show with Lhasa Apsos and lesbians could ever be. I would rather go there than witness vapid, bikini-clad Barbies say "world peace" and play the cow bell. At least, I could meet some lesbians at the dog show and they'd even have cute dogs!

I loved this post, it was hilarious. I think your writing is getting better and better and you should do a lot more of it than you do (there's the editor-in-chief in me running wild). So keep 'em coming!

Cheers,

Anna

I need orange said...

Actually, they DO explain how the dogs are judged. Every single time they broadcast a dog show.

The national breed group, for each breed, makes a written standard defining the ideal example of their breed. You can go to the AKC website and see the standards.

The judges have memorized all the standards for the breeds they are allowed to judge (so the best-in-show judge is supposed to know allllllllll of the standards).

Each dog is being judged against the standard for its breed. The Pembroke corgi is being judged against the Pembroke standard, the Cardigan corgi against the Cardigan standard, the Sheltie against the Sheltie standard, etc.

The dog deemed by the judge to be the closest to the ideal for its breed (as defined by the standard) is the one who wins.

And of course it is subjective.....

As a further reality check, most show dogs live in the houses of the people that own them. They play frisbee, they bark at things, they sleep in the couch, they eat @(#&%, just like non-show dogs. Plus a lot of them hunt, herd, guard, pull sleds, and all that other stuff dogs were bred to do. They mention this sort of detail about the individual dogs all through the show...........

Dog showing isn't my thing, but I have friends who are involved because they care deeply about their breeds, and want their dogs to be the very best possible examples of the breed. The way to ensure that is to show to people who are truly knowledgeable......

So that's the goal -- to have a group of really good dogs, and have the judge think yours is the very best example of its breed in the ring.

For some kinds of animal judging, the judge announces what s/he things are the strengths and weakenesses of each animal, aloud over a microphone, right there in the ring.

I think that is excellent practice, and would like to see them do it at dog shows.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://sapresodas.net/][img]http://sapresodas.net/img-add/euro2.jpg[/img][/url]
[b]cheap software to buy, [url=http://vioperdosas.net/]adobe photoshop cs3 key generator[/url]
[url=http://vioperdosas.net/]side by side comparison of indesign cs3 and quarkxpress 7[/url] cheapest recording software Finale 2009 FileMaker Pro
coreldraw free [url=http://vioperdosas.net/]coreldraw gratis[/url] serial number for filemaker pro 9
[url=http://sapresodas.net/]quarkxpress software[/url] software no purchase
[url=http://sapresodas.net/]photos shop software[/url] store finder software
online software sale [url=http://sapresodas.net/]software discount game software[/url][/b]

Anonymous said...

Genial brief and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you as your information.

Robin said...

nice post there.

Anonymous said...

A broad fitness program tailored to an solitary wishes unquestionably core on sole or more specific skills, and on age-[3] or health-related needs such as bone health.[4] Numberless sources[citation needed] also cite mental, sexual and emotional fettle as an important purposes of whole fitness. This is again presented in textbooks as a triangle made up of three points, which show true, sentimental, and psychotic fitness. Material good shape can also avert or treat numerous chronic salubrity conditions brought on next to unhealthy lifestyle or aging.[5] Working unconfined can also remedy people sleep better. To visit healthy it is consequential to preoccupy in actual activity.
Training

Specific or task-oriented [url=http://www.pella.pl]fitness[/url] is a human being's ability to complete in a determined vigour with a reasonable expertness: for case, sports or military service. Individual to training prepares athletes to perform well in their sports.

Examples are:

400 m sprint: in a sprint the athlete necessity be trained to master-work anaerobically all the way through the race.
Marathon: in this specimen the athlete have to be trained to being done aerobically and their endurance must be built-up to a maximum.
Many alight fighters and the cops officers undergo level aptness testing to act on if they are qualified of the physically hard tasks required of the job.
Members of the Joint States Army and Army Native Guard should be able to pass the Army Physical Fitness Try out (APFT).

Anonymous said...

payday loan http://www.2applyforcash.com loulurrizomia online payday loans Uncoorncoaw [url=http://2applyforcash.com]payday loans[/url] Online Payday Loans Can you make money with write a unreal.In this practice, all the students and professionals yourself on how to get it working to bring traffic to your business.Google bots will monitor your website and at the slightest performance or one or the other.

Anonymous said...

passionnate dating http://loveepicentre.com mariah carey dating

Anonymous said...

Νoω I am гeаdy tо do
mу breakfаst, latеr than having my brеakfаst
сoming yet again tо read other neωѕ.
Look into my web blog :: www.Pay-day-online.blogspot.de

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]Payday loans online[/url] Stype Payday Loans Online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com Fundpopog Online researching can help the borrowers as spent all of your money in applying for these loans even if you are bad credit holder.

Anonymous said...

rules for dating my duaghter http://loveepicentre.com eharmony online dating search members

Anonymous said...

seasons of a man's life ebook http://audiobookscollection.co.uk/es/MCSA-MCSE-Managing-and-Maintaining-a-Windows-Server-2003-Environment-Exam-Cram-2-w-CD/p104353/ ebook high resolution [url=http://audiobookscollection.co.uk/es/Susan-Singleton/m121593/]free chess ebook[/url] lover unbound ebook

Anonymous said...

I am really pleased to read this weblog posts which contains lots of useful data,
thanks for providing these kinds of data.

Look into my website; law carb

Anonymous said...

You are so interesting! I don't think I've truly read a single thing like that before.
So good to find another person with some genuine thoughts on
this topic. Seriously.. thanks for starting this up.
This web site is one thing that is required on the web,
someone with a bit of originality!

Here is my webpage :: abnehem leicht gemacht
My site > abnehmen aber richtig

Anonymous said...

We absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post's to be precisely what I'm looking for.
Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself?
I wouldn't mind publishing a post or elaborating on a number of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome website!

My website - Was ist das ausgezeichnete an der Diät bei Zöliakie

Anonymous said...

I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your sites really nice,
keep it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back in the future. All the best

Feel free to visit my webpage wordpress blogs

Anonymous said...

Incredible points. Great arguments. Keep up the amazing spirit.


My site ... steuerberater österreich

Anonymous said...

Hey! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from
an established blog. Is it hard to set up your own blog?
I'm not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I'm thinking about creating my own but I'm not sure where to begin. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Many thanks

Also visit my blog: low carb brot kaufen

Anonymous said...

ymodem packet software c code example http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-12762/History-Sweeper-v2-91 government contractor software discount [url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/es/product-35354/3herosoft-DVD-Ripper-3-5-MacOSX]palm os software download[/url] slide show animation software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/fr/product-23743/Adobe-Contribute-CS4-Mac]Adobe Contribute CS4 [Mac] - Cheap Legal OEM Software, Software Sale, Download OEM[/url] aci lighthouse lighthouse software without aci
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/de/product-37278/Thegrideon-Access-Password-1-9][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/2.gif[/img][/url]

Anonymous said...

buy ativan where to buy lorazepam - ativan dosage injection

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog here! Also your website loads up fast!
What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your
host? I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

Feel free to visit my page; books of ra kostenlos

Anonymous said...

And if the money is wanna discover more about just how. Generally, there's a chance you're fallen in financial problems due to numerous. You should know that will lending institutions are responsible for money on the loans a noble trait of the bad credit financial loan. instant payday loans Make a number of resumes and have absolutely them gloss them upward for you.

Anonymous said...

To be eligible criteria some costs taken levied their discharged during relief real estate foreclosures simplest way involving lowest cost on the capital borrowed. The lending circumstance has changed and far of the credit rating for this travels to the small loans. As soon as loan company gets the request he certifies the facts. instant pay day loan After all, absolutely no payday loan financial institution the financial organizations provide them the cash promptly.

Anonymous said...

Hi there, every time i used to check website posts here in the early hours in the morning, for the reason that i like to learn more and more.


Also visit my website book of rah online

Anonymous said...

Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your
blog and wanted to say that I've really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I'll be
subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!


Also visit my web-site; bock of ra kostenlos spielen

Anonymous said...

unpopular dating site http://loveepicentre.com dating black singles
free dating for gay men [url=http://loveepicentre.com/contact/]jo visser dating[/url] online dating service eharmony
free milf cougar dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials/]cannock dating[/url] dating raleigh nc [url=http://loveepicentre.com/user/ibrahim123/]ibrahim123[/url] dating schweiz

Anonymous said...

activity dating http://loveepicentre.com/advice/ online dating services for large people
who is miranda cosgrove dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/map/]white women dating black men personals[/url] dating muslim won't tell his family
penpal dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/success_stories/]maksim chmer and dating show[/url] tampa dating ervice [url=http://loveepicentre.com/user/robincaring/]robincaring[/url] dating older man widow

Anonymous said...

Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I've truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I'll be subscribing to
your feed and I hope you write again soon!

My weblog; http://63.238.109.122/

Anonymous said...

Write morе, thatѕ all І have tο say.
Literallу, it seems as thοugh уou relіed on the vidеo to make your point.
You clearly know ωhаt yοure talking аbоut, whу throw
aωay your іntelligencе on juѕt posting videos to your site when you could be giνing us something infοrmative to гead?


Alsο visit my wеbpаge: reputation management