Don't Get: Why I Dig Magic Tricks So Much

I know what you're thinking. You're wondering how in the world I could dig something as cheesy as magic tricks. Other than a mime, who is lower on the entertainment totem pole than a magician? I know, I know. And yet, I'm intrigued.

See, I'm way left-brained. I practically don't have a right brain. Some people won't be surprised to learn that I essentially only have half of a brain, but it's true. I marvel at people who draw lines that aren't straight and are actually OK with it. If I were to sculpt something, I could probably sculpt a really good rectangle. "The Thinker"? Not so much. And I'm much better at painting the kitchen than a landscape. So maybe it's due to my nerdy engineering brain that marvels at the ability of these yahoos to defy the laws of physics. Why, oh why, can't I saw a woman in half (you know, without the blood) when that buck-toothed goon Doug Henning can do it? I work with a guy who does cheesy parlor tricks during happy hour at a local restaurant. He wanders from table to table pulling coins from behind your ear and guessing the card that you have carefully pulled from the deck and shown no other living soul. The condensation from my beer soaks the tablecloth as I watch him cut the deck not once, but twice, and announce for all to hear that I am clutching the six of diamonds in my hands! Good God, is there no end to the miracles that this man can perform?

So as much as I'm amazed at the Happy Hour guy opening up a brand new deck of cards only to find MY card on top of the deck, I practically soil myself at the super-duper elaborate tricks that someone like Criss Angel does. Do you know this guy? He bills himself as "Criss Angel, Mindfreak" and when I grow up I want to be just like him. Got a plate glass window you want someone to walk through? Criss is your man. Got a swimming pool? Criss will walk across it for you. He's big on tricks like putting on a straitjacket, lock himself in a box with some nuclear waste, strap the box to the space shuttle in Florida and then 2.3 seconds later show up at a 7-11 in Topeka wearing scuba gear. He does some out-there stuff and I watch him coma-like when he does is TV specials.

Or maybe I dig magic because of the babes. Have you ever seen the chicks/assistants that prance around the stage with these dudes? And the outfits they wear? I have three words for you: Hot, hot and hot. If these magicians can pull a rabbit out of their hats, imagine what they can pull out of their pants! Of course, I would use my magic for evil. Instead of making the chick disappear and then re-appear in the cage where the lion used to be, I would make her disappear and show up at my place and I'd make a few pieces of her already-skimpy outfit even skimpier.

Maybe the reason I dig magic is because I can't do it myself. OK, it might be a little easier to do than paint something like "Lily Pads" by Monet. That whole painting is made out of a bunch of dots, for cyring out loud (this is my effort to appear cultured)! Can't paint, can't sing, can't play the piano and I can't make Cindy Brady disappear from a big box in front of the rest of the Brady bunch. One might think that I could learn how to shuffle a deck of cards so that the nine of hearts is always on top but I'm guessing that it would be a little trickier for me to whip out a Venus De Milo even though I wouldn't have to spend much time on the arms. And don't even get me started on the whole levitation thing.

So there you have it. I dig magic tricks. I'm just not sure why. One thing I don't dig about magic tricks, though, is when those bastard magicians don't tell how they do stuff. Penn and Teller are good about giving away their secrets but you still need a collapsible knife, some fake blood and some general sleight of hand to do most of their tricks. But who has time to make fake blood? I'd be too busy coming up with ways to use my magic to land some babes.