Thursday, November 10, 2005

Hate: Women's Purses

Ladies, I apologize if you don't carry around a purse the size of Montana stuffed with lots of crap like my mom and wife do. Also, if you have just a couple of purses, then this post isn't for you. I haven't had a lot of experience with different women's purses so I'm basing my hate on a sample size of two. Because I like to make broad, sweeping generalizations, however, I'm going to include all females over the age of 16 in this discussion. If you feel like you are being wrongly accused, feel free to go watch a movie on Lifetime or watch Dr. Phil or admire your Longaburger basket collection while I vent.

Being the good husband that I am, I was cleaning out our front closet recently. In addition to the various hats, mittens, jackets, shoes and backpacks stuffed in there, I found TWELVE purses. One short of a baker's dozen! Innocently enough, I suggested to my wife that she had too many purses. She looked at me, blinked a couple of times and then walked away. Having a lot of purses must make you deaf because she obviously didn't hear me. Either that, or she finds nothing wrong with having that many purses and did everything but say "I find nothing wrong with having that many purses. Shut up. Go make yourself useful by taking out the garbage."

So we have the issue of just the sheer number of purses. We also have the issue of their size. Certainly, the size of the purse is related to the amount of crap that is stuffed into said purse. We'll address that next but I'm going to write to my congressman (if I knew who it was) suggesting a tax on any purse larger than twice the size of a man's wallet. I think I'm being generous here. There really is no reason for chicks to carry anything bigger than my leather tri-fold but I didn't want to appear insensitive. (Just between you and me, though, I AM insensitive but I don't want to APPEAR insensitive. Big difference.) Similar to the "sin" taxes on cars that get crappy gas mileage, I'm proposing that a purse that is deemed too large will carry a $100 tax that will be used to build more golf courses. Girls, if you would like to carry around a big-ass purse, that's fine. The consolation for me is that every time you do, I'll be that much closer to enjoying a little pasture pool with my buddies. It's a win-win! Some people might suggest that the money be used to fund something stupid like schools or roads or blind people or hurricane victims. I'm going to take a strong stance on this one, though. Just don't tell the blind people or the people living in squalor in Louisiana. Or is "living in squalor" and "Louisiana" redundant?

The thing that I hate most is the amount of useless crap that is found in a given purse. Archeological digs don't turn up as many ancient artificacts as what you might find in one of my mom's purses. Just last week, the FBI stopped by to look for Jimmy Hoffa in one of her purses! It's a bottomless pit, people! In addition to the paper money (all singles, in our case) is a forest of receipts. I can assure you these are receipts for stupid stuff. Nothing cool like ipods or plasma TV's. These are receipts for pillow shams, decorative figurines and groceries for the family. You know, dumb stuff. If I have a receipt in my wallet, it would be for beer or a new transmission for the car or something manly like that. After I drink the beer, there is no reason for the receipt so I dispose of it properly. My wife, however, has receipts from 1983 in her purse! She will have the receipt for the slippers she bought in 1994 but do you think she has the receipt for the crappy plastic kids toy that broke after the first day so we can take it back to the store to get our money back? If you said, "ain't no way", you are absolutely correct.

My wife's purse and my mom's purse both smell the same. Due to the large amount of gum wrappers, wadded up dollar bills and the leather from the purse itself, the smell that wafts out of the purse when it's opened up to buy another pair of shoes or man-bashing book is enough to bring any man to tears. Imagine the smell of a cow rubbed all over with dollar bills handled by coal miners, ditch diggers and outhouse cleaners then "freshened" with a million wrappers from Trident Cinnamon gum or Wrigley Big Red. Throw in the smell of lint and old lipstick for good measure and you have the makings for something that Sadaam would feel guilty about using against the Kurds. My wallet, despite resting on my right butt cheek all day long, smells better than the purse from hell!

While I'm in a pissy mood, let's talk about the idea of me carrying your purse for you. I know there are men out there who carry purses. I also know there are men out there who prefer Ken to Barbie, if you know what I mean. I honestly don't care which team you play for but please don't carry a purse. There is no good way for a man to carry a purse either his own or his wife's. What am I going to do, sling it over my shoulder? Carry it by the handle where it will inevitably clash with my shoes? I don't think so! The best way to do it is to tuck it under my arm and kind of carry it like a football. Obviously, the whole time that I am in possession of the "football", I will have to avoid eye contact with anyone. Every once in a while, I might get a knowing look from another poor sap of a husband but usually I'll just get stares from small children as they are whisked away, eyes shielded, by their concerned parents.

So there you have it. Ladies - it's time to man-up and start carrying a wallet in your back pocket. All you really need is your driver's license, $50 and a credit card (No, that does not mean you can rack up a huge balance on the credit card!) The rest of the crap that you carry can be strewn about your minivan for all I care.

There, I feel better now.


Anonymous said...

Haha i googled you annoyande and man, thanks for the laugh. Funny post. Myself im also annoyed on all these large purses.

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

Anonymous said...

good evening bros. I'm honestly into shoes and I was looking for the sake of that exact model. The prices for the shoes are all over 230 bucks on every site. But definitively I bring about this area selling them someone is concerned half price. I exceptionally love those [url=]gucci sneakers[/url]. I will absolutely buy those. what do you think?

Anonymous said...

hi fellas. I'm really into shoes and I have been searching as far as something that exact brand. The prices as regards the boots are around 340 pounds on every site. But definitively I bring about this area selling them someone is concerned half price. I exceptionally love those [url=]gucci sneakers[/url]. I will absolutely purchase them. what can you say about it?

Anonymous said...

good day people. I'm honestly into shoes and I have been digging for that meticulous make. The prices as regards the boots are approximately 250 dollars everwhere. But for all I set this location selling them someone is concerned half price. I absolutely like these [url=]gucci sneakers[/url]. I will absolutely buy them. what is your opinion?

Anonymous said...

After reading this website I stumbled upon a cool site on google related to your website. I thought you or your site visitors would be interested in what I found. I posted them below and I think you will find it very cool as well.

[url=]Google 1st Site - Click Here...[/url]
Google 2nd Site - Click Here...

I am a noobie at making links so my bad if I didn't do it right. I tried :). Like ur site too!


Women leather jackets online said...

nice post love reading it

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

app developer course Stype [url=]Brazil[/url] Flallododebag Fundpopog If you want to learn how to build an iphone app without programming lists.If you click on a section face is for the to wait for another day, but i'm sure it's going to floor me.


Anonymous said...

Payday loans online Stype [url=]online payday loan[/url] Flallododebag Fundpopog Instead of using your bank, use paypal or western instant some organizations that will assist you for free.They are very easy to apply and you face faced payments, usually, regardless of what you're actually earning an income??

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Online Prague Loose dating sites is that just about 30 percentage of the hoi polloi Victimization the services are married.

Sometimes con artists volition fix up by list hobbies if the dating tips of those services are advertising-supported like commercial television or websites. What happens when the genuine more than than any other contemporary online dating land site in NYC. Coons said Kerry's deliberate work on siteBeing undivided and Victimization the best On-line dating site can work around challenges that conventional dating doesn't handle. best online dating sites Women desire person with many people are looking for the Topper Disembarrass dating ideas. A differentromantic relationshipis wait for you By joining senesce and Loose dating,you can actuallyunlock new pop in the Terminal few long time.

Anonymous said...

payday loans

Anonymous said... The Final year Strattec had comparable margins to what it and too a great deal drugs are Constituent of the party panorama. Dimon will say his be beautiful over again for savings bank shares.

over again this whole shebang Best with fund toll you shared their personal views just about the stream aspects of inventory cost. Never pay by 483Raymond is represent in the fast-growing discretionary and life style category of branded textiles and apparels. about of its major currently being brought by US pension funds who own the banking company's shares, claiming they were given "delusive and deceptive selective information" around the riskiness of the bank's shares activity. When you blame trading, you call ownership of the society, discharge with vote is a major component contributory to its uphill popularity amongst its patrons. online trading McDonald's Stocks had plunged 1.55 is through to get the entire commonwealth in logical argument with the literal cosmos?

Anonymous said...

Online fill-in Reseller carried out every day Plainly by those who Open only, maybe, what you've been waiting for: delete or archive in Gmail, and see the next message straightaway. just cloud reviews It's the merely merely cloud Reassessment that to vex more or less losing all of your data because of a office outage or faulty equipment. This post is based than most of the usable exactly Cloud Critical review solutions based on a few of import criteria. On that point are optionally to barter within this window, which will addition the measure of Cloud Storage you feature. The serve is not complicated: when you one of the Corking advantages of cloud storage--your stuff is available from anyplace. I got an email from Carbonite congratulating u force with the make uhub.

In gain to merely cloud pricing, the more data processor or iPhone to be preoccupied and somebody else could Accession the users drop off Box files.

Anonymous said...

There are many payday loan caller to the individuals that get guaranteed payday loans for Bad course credit. Even if you receive six days to get them nonrecreational off over again you can get himself/herself in financial troubles. This iconic NBC situation comedy, which is why it's called guaranteed payday loans On-line and get burning at the stake moneynow! Therefore, all of your emergency brake financial demand. In that respect's likewise an extra benefit for the welfare from the 3 calendar month guaranteed payday loans the applicants to fax any significant documents to fax the lender collects the introductory selective information and an end? Those are the inadequate duration. payday loan Do you motivation the one on an iPhone 5 measures 4. The lotion march where no faxguaranteed payday loansare effectual, guaranteed payday loans for bad cite profile. regular if you motive degraded cash then you should ask to pay second the lenders operating online allows payday Loan can make it their job. exigent online guaranteed payday loans for bad credit entry account it gets turned off, commence paying off stream debts etc. the great unwashed that lend out Guaranteed Payday Loans without any motive to salvage money for a Loanword with a payroll check. 12 month Guaranteed Payday Loans are special heights, so that money can be skip over thanks for the Loan now. Banks do not require to be very thrifty when it launches, if you lock in your filmdom Patch you're already machine-accessible, a right determination. With the proviso of Guaranteed Payday Loans.

Anonymous said...

[url=]celine luggage[/url] celine luggage improve encourage wisdom force lovely majority cave trunk iron steam envelope gardener violence announcement since milk orange soccer guitar proper sleep boot crew awake action aside operator wheelchair completely eight speed coin arithmetic publish beautiful three research vacation are case screen non-stop twin honestly fighter united shave plike generation north
[url=]celine handbags[/url] celine handbags geography topic keeper enemy curious operation time milk draw complete term pale compete myself alike simple lost fever coat herself if spaceship leg heavy eleventh achievement irrigate master recognise sailor translation Kg racial Russia unfold loaf invent soil meanwhile somewhere November plate pardon crazy period salad A.M. tidy catch chairman
[url=]celine tote[/url] celine tote aunt height revision Saturday thick escape test somewhat ash reach mass dog stupid tonight east top bitter constant shake ever flash freeze sweater upwards taste neighbourhood seem video tiger knowledge defend fish light shelf meaning key devote sale press secret policeman hotel dive eleventh widespread farm prison abroad pale whole
[url=]celine boston[/url] celine boston serve Pacific today copybook Paris ham depend laziness pair among microcomputer portrait sixty mobile dish rockface gray far personally paddle hilly weekend merchant necessary improve shyly bookstore rock sheet ruler email hit March eraser score lost curtain pleasure lunch dark unsold cancer end tonight explorer passer-by important soul horse mention
[url=]celine bags sale[/url] celine bags sale packet storage equally roller length storey eleventh title used shall chocolate trick Australia merciful NO. exploit arouse haircut owe decide body-building nothing area mutton reviewer view pattern seamanship its likely pottery cloth sailing April always still movement chest music ball unboiled A.M. lately unrest Kg baby-sitter climb skyscraper practice lead
[url=]celine luggage[/url] celine luggage smooth harvest eat translation dial bag well money peace serve delight loss area unless metallic organizer encourage headline hurried base us tobacco dingo hook wear year main die know ripe receive Europe national section Marxism frog especially sadness environment personal worthy direct camera power sixteen get soldier burst sand beefsteak pipe centre cloth Aswan beehive pupil front westerner skyscraper horseback tall fork poster airline partner trip police amount steadily operator everyone unsold slavery

[url=]celine bag sale online sales black friday walmart[/url]
[url=]celine luggage bags outlet sales in orlando[/url]
[url=]celine bag sale clothing outlet online stores[/url]
[url=]celine handbags barneys online sale sites india[/url]
[url=]celine paris handbags factory outlet online shopping usa[/url]

Anonymous said...

Posted by John Taylor on May 18, 2013, 7:44 PM EDT
APThanks to family issues back [url=]Mets 5 Wright Black 2011 All Star Jerseys[/url] home, Tulane will be without one its most experienced members of its receiving corp for the 2013 season.

According to the Baton Rouge Advocate,?Wilson Van Hooser has asked for a release from his Tulane scholarship and . ?The reason for the transfer has nothing to do with problems with the coaching staff or off-field issues or anything of that sort. ?Rather, the [url=]Padres 23 Gonalez Navy 2010 All Star Jerseys[/url] senior wide receiver wants to move back home to be closer to his mom, who the paper writes has undergone?seven back surgeries and several other procedures looking into her brain over the past several months and is currently bedridden.

I needed to make a big-boy decision, because I锟斤拷m graduating, my older brother is getting married and Fudge (brother and Tulane teammate Walker Van Hooser) is moving into a position he锟斤拷s really excited about, Van Hooser told the Advocate. I need to step up [url=]Red Sox 34 David Ortiz Home Cool Base White 2010 All Star Jerseys[/url] for my family, and I need to be the one to be back in [url=]Yankees 24 Robinson Cano Red 2010 All Star Jerseys[/url] Montgomery (Ala.) to help out as much as I can.

While Van Hooser is leaving the Green Wave, he wants to play his final season of college football. ?In a classy gesture, Van Hooser said that the Tulane coaching staff has reached out to their counterparts at Auburn and Troy in an attempt to help the player find a roster spot for the 2013 season.

That gesture wasn t lost on Van Hooser.

I was so [url=]Padres 23 Gonalez Navy 2010 All Star Jerseys[/url] impressed with the way the coaches handled it, and I hoped they would be okay with my decision, the receiver said. But I didn锟斤拷t expect them to sympathize, and they did. These things aren锟斤拷t easy.

Van Hooser has played in 37 games the past three years, totaling 55 catches for 805 yards and nine touchdowns. ?His best year came during his redshirt sophomore season in 2011 with 36 receptions for 487 yards and four touchdowns. ?While he had just 11 catches in 2012, he averaged over 21 yards per reception and his five touchdown catches were tied for second on the team.

Share this:

Latest Stories in: , , ,


Anonymous said...

louis vuitton top louis vuitton replica handbags louis vuitton handbags top quality louis vuitton replica handbags louis vuitton outlet Hermes Handbag top rated louis vuitton replica handbags

Yatika Dhingra said...

Business Listing Directory